The heartbreak and relationship repair industry is booming. But do these online services really work?
Experts weigh in on healthy coping mechanisms, relationships and the digital age of love.
Valentine's Day can bring on a host of emotions for people, especially the broken hearted. Quickly searching the internet will turn up results for exactly what to do after a breakup like how to reinvent yourself, how to get even or how to get your significant other back into your life.
That rabbit hole only gets deeper with social media and the algorithms they operate on. Users are caught between interacting with the content on their feed and having more of the same breakup advice or content populate or trying their best to avoid it.
As it turns out, there is an entire industry hidden in plain sight. Social media influencers, matchmakers and dating coaches all who will offer you advice and it could come at a hefty price.
Chapter 1 Breakup recovery
Coach Lee Wilson runs MyExBackCoach.com, a relationship recovery service he founded after getting his start in marriage enrichment counseling. He says he got his started helping people going through breakups like most do: one of his friends needed help.
"He told me what was going on and that she had broken up with him, Wilson said. "And I said, 'well what have you done so far? 'And he said ‘well I called, and I got her voicemail' and he said, 'it hurt so bad that she didn’t pick up, all I could do was cry into her voicemail.’ And he said ‘what should I do?” and I said well not that."
Wilson was able to get his friend through the breakup and eventually, the couple got back together. Now with over 20 years of experience in the industry, he said he has seen people cope with pain differently.
“A woman was really upset because her ex-boyfriend who had broken up with her would not talk to her," Wilson said. "And she went over, she still had a key to his place, I don’t know if it was an apartment or a house. And she got his cat and she left a note and she said ‘if you want to see your cat, come talk to me and you can see your cat.'"
“She asked me if I thought she had blown it and I said ‘yes!.'”
Chapter 2 Psychology of love
Pain makes people desperate and according to Dr. Shelby Scott, a clinical psychologist and assistant professor of psychology at UTSA, the secret is biological.
"So, you lose, like you said those little doses of dopamine that you get when you have a positive interaction with your partner," Scott said. "There is reductions of oxytocin from those kinds of intimate connections that you might have. For men - particularly heterosexual men - when they go through a breakup, often they report that they have lost their main source of emotional support."
Even in a short-term relationship – it can be hard to set emotion aside—according to Dr. Rebecca Weston, an associate professor of psychology at UTSA.
“Especially in friends with benefits relationships there is a friendship component," Weston said. "So, there tends to be a commitment to the relationship, which is what a lot of people are not necessarily aware of. So that friendship tends to come first in a lot of those friends with benefits relationships. The downside is if there is not what we call a quality in commitment. So, one person wants more from the relationship than the other person wants from it. And the person who is wanting more can become kind of depressed or unhappy about that relationship.”
With technology – it can feel like your next shot at love is just one swipe away or the answer to all of your problems is on the other side of the screen.
Some coaches can charge hundreds of dollars for their services and gimmicks are everywhere.
“Almost every week it seems like I'll see another one and I'm like ‘who is this," Wilson said. "I often wonder how some of these people, who look like they are half of my age, talking real big about some of these topics and I'm thinking ‘how many of these things could you have possibly have seen?"
Wilson bases his advice and videos on years of experience.
But – the breakup industry is booming and you have to be careful about who you listen to.
“Influencers, dating coaches, just kind of like anyone else," Scott said. "I'm sure there are people who have good advice. I think the caution that i would just put on that is - again – many of these terms aren’t regulated, so you just kind of want to be cautious with taking that advice."
Chapter 3 Valentine's Day advice
One thing all of the experts we spoke to could agree on: if your heart is aching this valentine’s day: Focus on yourself and your people.
Dr. Weston, Associate Professor, Psychology UTSA
“You want to reach out to all those people around you that support you because you can sometimes have a negative impact on how you are processing your grief. You can sometimes have a negative impact if you are kind of just dwelling like ‘oh I did this wrong, I did that wrong.’ no you didn’t, I mean we all do things right and wrong in relationships, there's not a perfect way to handle it. So, it’s more that reflection on what was the relationship about."
Dr. Scott, Assistant Professor, Psychology UTSA
“It’s also okay to take your time and realize that this is a process … right? You’ve built this relationship over time and it’s going to take some time to disentangle your connections to one another and that’s going to take some time as well."
Lee Wilson, Relationship Coach, Myexbackcoach.com
“If people can decide that the number one thing we’re going to focus on in this relationship, not communication, not challenging each other … or pushing each other. We’re going to focus on what can we do so that when we’re together we have peace. That’s the undisputed champion of what a relationship needs to really be strong and to be a life long love."